Monday, January 2, 2006


       Like most "modern" young couples, Lance and I were already into making bed long before we were married.  I said to myself, a baby will gonna be my signal for marriage.  I didn't mind wearing my (off-)white gown with a bloated (or "sewn") tummy nor saying I do with a "cryer" by my side.  But the thing is, these thoughts are taboo, at least, to my rather conservative folks.  That's why we called this handy little pregnancy test, "chocolate".

Ptest        I couldn't count how many times Lance have bought me "chocolate(s)".  During my middle twenty's, I was already anticipating. While my friends already settled and built a family of their own, I was a "trying-to-be-a-single-mom-who-will-eventually-marry-right-after".  Boy, that was quite a long description.  But anyway...  I was not only trying.  I, or shall I say, we were TRYING HARD.

Faux Bulge

         When we got married a day after April fool's (2004), some guests seemed to buzz about it.  My semi-formal wedding dress was floor-length, trainless, neck-plunging, sleeveless, empire cut, which made my belly look big.  Well, I knew what they're buzzing about (or am I just paranoid?).  I admit I was getting bigger but I definitely didn't have that "gift" growing inside me.  And if there was a rumor, it didn't really bother us during and after that summer garden nuptial setting.

         We, and perhaps even my immediate family members, thought that I could never (ever) have one.  Whenever it's brought up in a conversation, I wanted to walk away.  My usual excuse?  We're both AFRAID so we CHOSE NOT TO!...and the thought both stressed us so that wouldn't start.  It's frustrating!

Gift vs. Blessing

         I recall, while we're driving home, Lance told me something like . . . "To have a baby is a gift.  But to adopt one is a blessing!"  He also told me a lotta times that there are far too many babies wanting to be "mothered" than fetuses needing to be born.  We were considering adoption back then.  But MomC (my mom) didn't like the thought.  She wanted "own-blood" relationship.  Don't get her wrong.  I guess she's just more concerned of my little nieces and nephews than anyone unrelated, at least, for now.  She said to just take care of them instead.  MomA (mom-in-law) said, before we flew to the U.S., it's better not to have one 'cause we'll only be in a difficult situation.  I felt quite relieved knowing that she's not expecting from me after all.  But then, I thought, she's just saying that.

         Still, I was wishful thinking that someday somehow, I could bear my very own...


{ Leah } at: February 4, 2006 at 2:13 AM said...

you and me both :(
i just tell myself that when the time is right, it will happen.

{ Jhenicka Angel } at: February 5, 2006 at 2:31 AM said...

Hey! Couz,
Don't yah! worry it will come to you also and you will have this gift of God. You know how we waited for my Lil' Angel too. 7 yrs we've been waiting and here she is. Though she came out too early her she is battling her life but still she's fighting coz she knows that we're here for her and we know that God is always der for us... Just have faith on him and he will grant you what you've ask for... You know God is good he won't let you down, and you know that there's always a reason why things are happening so don't be sad...
Always take care of you self, I'm always here if ever you need someone to talk too just leave msgs or txt me and i will be there... Muahhhhhhhhhzzzzzzzzzzz

It's me,

{ EMILIALICIOUS } at: February 7, 2006 at 2:46 AM said...

haha.. "chocolates"... i want to have a baby soon too.. don't know if i'm happy or not for not having one yet.. but i'll surely be in big trouble if i bear one right now... c",) clashing thoughts..


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